Speaking Sasuke
by kiera golightly
Summary: Kakashi, Sakura, and Naruto explain and translate Sasuke's language, including the multiple meanings of 'Hn.' Sasuke is not amused.


A/N: A collaboration between Renalin and xo-Kieraa. Renalin wrote Sasuke and Naruto, xo-Kieraa wrote Sakura and Sasuke. We hope that this helpful guide will provide some insight.

Done for Sasuke's birthday.

Guide:

_**Blah**_ is Kakashi

_Blah_ is Sakura

Blah is Sasuke

**Blah** is Naruto

**Speaking Sasuke **

**Hi! This is Naruto Uzumaki along with my dashing co-hostess the lovely Sakura-cha--OW. Okay, um, don't hurt me Sakura! I need to lecture the readers before I die!**

_Naruto, Shut up and tell the nice people what we're doing before I make sure you'll NEVER be able to have children._

**...That's mean. Ahem, anyway, it has come to our attention that our completely retarded team member, (Sometimes known as 'Sasuke-kun,' 'Teme,' and 'twinkle toes') is incapable of talking like a NORMAL person, and has resulted to communicating with cave-man grunts. Now, it took us a while, but we've managed to figure out what he was saying since I AM THE NUMBER ONE NINJA!--And um, yeah. So, we're here to translate.**

_**What are you two doing?**_

_Ack! Kakashi-sensei what are you doing here? Go away! _

_**Who called Sasuke twinkle-toes?**_

Yes. Who the hell said that?

**...Well, crap.**

_Shit. Naruto remember what we said we'd do if he showed up? Get the tarp and the lipstick!_

**...I choose life!**

Who called me twinkle toes?

**I, um, I dunno what you're talking about...RUN SAKURA-CHAN, RUN!**

_**Now, Sasuke remember your anger-management and count backwards from 10.**_

_Uhm, Sasuke-kun you see, were trying to tell all the nice people out there that you are human and that your not socially-constipated._

**But he IS socially constipat--OW. **

What are you morons talking about?

**You don't talk. At all.**

Hn.

**YOU CANNOT WRITE OUT 'HN,' 'HN' IS A GRUNTING NOISE. PEOPLE DO NOT WRITE 'GRUNT' AS A RESPONSE!**

Shut up, moron.

_And when you do talk its either "Dobe shut up and lick my feet" or "Hn, Annoying" or some other term of endearment_

'Terms of endearment.'

_Yep._

**OH, SAKURA-CHAN, LET'S TELL THEM ABOUT THOSE!**

_**And because Ii am the king of awesomeness, I get to help.**_

_O-ok lets start with the usual. Mainly, "annoying" and "idiot."_

...What the hell?

_DON'T DENY IT SASUKE-KUN!_

**Because Sasuke has such a limited vocabulary, 'annoying' can mean several different things. It depends on the tone of voice, and who he's talking to. For example, if he were to call Kakashi-sensei's lateness 'annoying' that would mean that he really is annoyed.**

_**And most of the time Sakura's on the receiving end.**_

**...Yeah, what the hell Sasuke, why do you pick on Sakura-chan so much?**

_YEAH SASUKE WHY POOR SAKURA-CHAN AND NOT HINATA OR SOME OTHER FEMALE?!_

_Ahem._

_Nice to get that off my chest._

_**Now that Sakura has said her rant, I think Sasuke should give us his rebuttal.**_

This isn't debate team, loser. And I don't pick on you, Sakura.

_**Then what do you call "You're still someone who needs to be protected," or "If I don't walk you home you'll probably end up in a ditch!?"**_

_**I'm not weak anymore, Sasuke-kun.**_

**Oh good, we have an example. Let's analyze what he said. "You're still someone who needs to be protected"--Perhaps some form of, 'I love you, don't die!'**

THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!

_**If we follow the rules of Icha-Icha it probably falls along the form of I want to screw you sense-**_

KAKASHI!

_Please, Sasuke doesn't have hormones. It probably means "If you die, there'll be paperwork involved," or something._

I don't mean it like that.

_Sure you don't._

**...I think you were onto something with the whole, 'screwing senseless' thing, Kakashi.**

_NARUTO!_

Do you even know that that means, idiot?

_**Finally, someone's agreeing with me.**_

**Notice he's not denying it. Hey Kakashi, I think something might be going on between these two.**

__

Shut up you idiot.

_W-what are you talking about?_

Hn.

_What he said!_

**I KNEW IT. CAUGHT IN THE ACT!**

_What act, idiot?_

I think you need to stop talking now. Before I kill you.

_**Speaking of acts, if you two really are together I know some GREAT positions—and Sakura, don't bang your head on the wall, brain damage, you know.**_

**...Hey Kakashi. Got any tips for me and Hinata?**

DO NOT HAVE THIS CONVERSATION INFRONT OF US!

_**Well actually—**_

NO.

_SHUUUNNNN!!_

HN!

_Who screams "hn"?_

...Shut up.

_Nice comeback Sasuke-kun._

**Should we catagorize the 'hn's'?**

_As a matter of fact, we should._

_**When did you start speaking "smart" Naruto?**_

I hate you all.

**That's nice, twinkle toes.**

_SEE! WE CAN'T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP! HE HATES ME!_

**Sakura, that's his denial.**

_Feh._

**Back to the topic at hand; I'll start us off with 'hn' number one.**

**Hn1: 'I completely loathe you and wish that you would jump of this bridge and choke on some seaweed. Die, you freak.'**

Hn1.

_**Normally said to Naruto.**_

**Screw you, Sasuke. Hn1 to you too!**

_You have a list of all your "hn's" don't you Sasuke-kun?_

_**Didn't you use Hn1 to Lee when he was hitting on Sakura before grabbing her hand and pulling her away?**_

Hn.

**Oh! There's hn2!**

**Hn2: 'I am in complete agreement with everything you just said, but am too cool to admit to such.' —Usually for Kakashi-sensei.**

_**Did anyone else notice how Sasuke completely ignored the whole Lee-hitting-on -Sakura thing.**_

_STICK TO THE TOPIC!_

_**Patience, Sakura.**_

I agree. This conversation is pointless. We should be training, not talking about Lee.

_You think EVERY conversation is pointless—and what's wrong with Lee?_

...Not all of them. And Lee is a freak.

_No! Lee's nice, sweet, and unlike ANOTHER PERSON I KNOW, listens to me and doesn't belittle me._

Who's the asshole belittling you?

**(KAKASHI, LOVER'S QUARREL!)**

Shut up, Naruto.

_THERE'S GONNA BE A QUARREL IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP NARUTO!_

_**(See how they deny there feelings, Naruto?)**_

**(How curious. Perhaps we should be taking notes on their behavior? Sasuke's looking increasingly violent, and Sakura is staring to turn purple. Hinata and I have a much more stable relationship. Why do you suppose that is?)**

_I hardly think that a relationship where the other party faints every time you touch her as "stable."_

**That's only in public.**

_**I taught you well, Naruto.**_

...HNHNHNHNHNHNHN.

**Hey! It's Hn3!**

_Oh! You mean 'Shut up before I castrate you!'?_

__

**Hn3: 'Do not add to my already traumatic life. Romance is a terrifying thing, and because I obviously don't have Naruto's smooth moves, I shall never venture forth.'**

**...Yours works too, Sakura-chan.**

_Smooth Moves...?_

**You know it.**

Excuse me while I throw up.

_Not on my shoes Sasuke-kun!_

_**Are you talking about the time you asked Hinata out by pushing her face in a bowl of ramen so she could see your feelings written in noodles?**_

**That was genius. Admit it, Kakashi-sensei.**

_Naruto, she almost passed out from lack of oxygen._

_**Has anyone noticed how far off topic we've gone?**_

_...actually yeah. And Sasuke kinda disappeared._

**Oh no, he's cheating on you! THAT MUST BE IT--Ow. Jeez Sasuke, the violent attack was kind of unnecessary**

_There's more where that came from._

_**Maybe Sasuke's hoping for a threesome.**_

**Oh dang, that'd be hot—Ow! KAKASHI-SENSEI, SAVE ME!**

_I'LL MAKE SASUKE FLASHES YOU IF YOU TWO DON'T SHUT UP!_

**...You have the power to do that? …PROOF! I KNEW IT!**

NARUTO, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

_It's called "I hold him down and pull his pants off." _

Hn.

**Hn4!**

_**In this scene, it probably means "I really wouldn't mind but because I have to keep up my cold-ass-bastard reputation, I have to pretend I utterly despise the idea."**_

_...Wow_

Shut up.

**So true.**

_**Getting defensive are we, baby Sasu-kun?**_

Hn1 Kakashi, Hn1.

**Well, what now?**

_How about we analyze the ones he says to me so I can show you guys how much he is not in love with me and that he does hate me! Or something._

Sakura, that might be a bad--

**OKAY, SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN. Sasuke's quote, "You're annoying."**

Stop.

_HA!_

**BUT JUST HOW IS SHE ANNOYING? BECAUSE YOU WANNA KISS HER? **

_NARUTO!_

Stop it.

_I TOLD YOU, HE DOESN'T HAVE HORMONES!_

**Actually, he does--**

Shut up.

_**Judging by all the times he undresses Sakura with his eyes, yeah, he does.**_

...How the hell did you see that?

**WHAT?!**

_He's probably just trying to figure out ways to torture me._

**YOU PERVERT! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!**

_Sasuke-kun...?_

**HOW DARE YOU LOOK AT SAKURA-CHAN THAT WAY?!**

...I'm leaving.

_NO!_

**GET BACK HERE SO I CAN RIP YOUR SPLEEN OUT!**

_Stay. Please._

**(He needs to go sulk.)**

Fine.

_YAY! I mean—ahem…_

**TRANSLATION: "OKAY, BUT THERE BETTER BE MAKE-UP SEX LATER!"**

Rot in hell.

_What he said._

_**Notice how neither one of them denied it.**_

**We win. Admit it Sasuke; you want to jump her.**

_**You lurve her.**_

**(Not that I'll allow you too, but still.)**

_URG!_

**I bet you he has a little scrap book full of pictures of her and lots of sparkles and hearts--**

Sakura, we're leaving.

_S-Sasuke why are you dragging me by the arm?_

**...Well, they sure left quickly...**

_**Yeah.**_

**'TRANSLATION: THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME LOVING TONIGHT!"**

_**Something's telling me that this is going to be interesting.**_

**Aw, there's nothing to do now that they've gone.**

…

**Hey Kakashi, about those tips...**


End file.
